Difficult Children by Mrs Stedman (abt 1945)

My talk differs I think from the usual one given in this series. I am not going to begin by telling you how you should, or should not bring your children up, because any mother who has a fair share of common sense knows how a child should be brought up, the difficulty is having an opportunity to carry out all the good rules and regulations which go to the making up of a good citizen.

I am a working-class mother and when I say working-class I mean it, I don't live in a six-roomed house or have a mother's help, or even a woman twice a week. I live in two rooms, one living room which serves also as a scullery, bathroom, wash-house, kitchen, dining-room etc; and one bedroom. We have been living here for nine years now. I won't go into details about why we haven't a house, sufficient is said I think when I say we cannot get one.

Now I know there are many thousands of you placed as I am, many of you worse off, many a little better, so I would like to tell you a few of the disadvantages, and also advantages, I have found these few years; perhaps I may be able to give you a tip or two, although I hope you won't run away with the idea that I think my way is best; I'm not a model mother by any means, but then how many of us are.

I have three small children, two girls aged 7 1/2 years, 6 years, and one small boy just 2 years. They are much the same as other children, mischievous, happy, healthy, very often quarrelsome, and difficult to contend with, so I daresay some of you can imagine what it is like on a wet Saturday and Sunday, or in the winter holidays when the children are unable to use up their noisy energy out of doors. There is no spare room for them to play in, so they spend their time in the living room in a space which has been converted into a nursery three feet by three feet where they will play fairly quietly, unless an argument occurs, which can, if I am a little patient, be averted. But as so often happens I am busy cooking, or cleaning, or washing in the same room and do not use tact as I should. The result is tears and smacks. Yes I know, you mustn't use physical punishment on children except in extreme cases. Well, I am afraid this is one of my failures. I do it because it is a quicker way out. I expect you know the feeling of wanting to scream when they get on your nerves, and one's nerves do wear a little thin at times, especially when there isn't a hope of things being different.

Another difficulty, and in my estimation a large one, is sleeping accommodation. My husband is at home and this doesn't help matters. The bedroom is not large enough to be curtained off. In it there is a double size bed, a single size one where the two girls sleep one at each end, which results in this almost every morning, 'Get your feet up higher Doreen' 'No I can't' 'Then I shall kick you' ' Oh mummy, Shirley's kicked my leg'. If it's not too bad I ignore them, but other times I have to go to the rescue. Then there is the cot where the little boy sleeps.

Now I want my children to grow up to be normal, healthy citizens, both physically and mentally, but this is going to be an impossibility if things remain as they are much longer. The two eldest children are not babies now. With the object in view of being able to do something about it, I asked the 'sanitary inspector' to call. He did, and though he promised to do his best, he pointed out that we are not overcrowding as the children only count as half a person! Evidently the moral side of the question doesn't enter into it (and they say have more babies ...... well not if we can prevent it!).

I can't help getting into a rage when I hear of the occasional house being let to someone not in real need of it, because people do get houses you know, especially if they have a little influence or money. The authorities are only too pleased to tell us of the many worse off than we are, but what about the thousands better off? Old ladies living in twelve roomed houses; married couples with no children in houses with rooms to spare. I expect you all know of similar cases. I do!

Well I've told you of a few of the disadvantages, and now I will tell you the advantages I have found. Perhaps you are not all as lucky as I am, for I have a landlady who is not easily found; she is the mother of four children, aged 13, 11 1/2, 5 years and a baby of 9 months. The nine years we have been together have not been unhappy ones for me and I don't think they have for her. We have helped one another whenever we could, and she has been more than a friend to me; we have tied a knot of friendship which will not easily be broken. This is one advantage.

There is another. Sharing a house has taught me to be interested in other children and not just wrapped up in my own. I have grown up to have a genuine liking for all her children and both mine and hers play together. When outside, they are like one big happy family. Oh yes, they often squabble, sometimes they even fight, especially her 11 1/2 year old boy and my 7 1/2 year old girl. Perhaps some of you think it unwise to allow this but I have never known it to cause either any harm; for one thing the boy's mother is only too ready to correct him, and for another, I know he wouldn't really hurt her as they are real little pals at heart. I can honestly say we have never squabbled over the children, which I think says a lot for both of us, and it teaches our children to fight their own battles and not to tell tales.

I remember an incident a few years ago when my little girl was about 2, and her little boy 6. A neighbour shouted out, 'Look at that naughty boy. He's made that child wet through.' When I went out to see what had happened, there was Shirley standing in a great puddle, and Bobbie kicking a football at her. She was highly delighted, and I'm afraid I saw the funny side too. Yes we've had many laughs over their antics.

Another amusing episode happened a few weeks ago. My little girl of 7 (who is I'm afraid rather talkative, and has on occasions to be checked) was going shopping with my landlady's child aged 13. Whilst waiting for a bus, Shirley started a conversation which ran thus; 'Have you had a wash Joy?' 'Yes, of course I have'. 'Will you have another?' 'It depends whether I get dirty or not'. 'Oh, mummy gave me a good wash. I shan't have another today'. After pausing a few seconds, she said, 'Joy. My mummy never washes.' There were quite a few people present too. I often wonder what they thought. The explanation is that I have to wait until they are in bed before I can attend to my own toilet.

Although by no means an excellent mother, there are one or two rules I do abide by, one of these being early bedtime. My two girls are in bed by 6.30pm every night unless they have an occasional outing which is not very often in the winter time, but when late to bed I never fail to get peevish, cross children the following day. I put my little boy of 2 years to bed at 4.00pm during the winter. Some of you may think this is rather drastic, but I'd like to point out he doesn't have a morning nap, and he sleeps until round about 7.30am every morning, sometimes later. He doesn't wake up in the night and a happier, healthier child could not be found. He enjoys life to the full; eating, sleeping and playing, working too in his little way. He will lay the table, and loves to put the things away afterwards.

I think in every family of more than two or more children there is at least one difficult child, and nearly every mother has problems which are not easy to solve; I wonder how many of you who have three children find the same difficulty as I do; that is this - two of my children will pair off admirably well, the eldest and the youngest, whilst my middle girl seems to be continually left out in the cold. This is making her rather a sullen discontented child, and whereas I can control the others with a little patience and reasoning, other means have to be applied when dealing with her. Sometimes I can avert a scene by using a great deal of tact, but often a sound smacking is needed. I expect there is a psychological way of dealing with a child of this type, more affection perhaps you think, and I do agree to a certain extent for when on occasions she is alone with me, a sweeter and more placid child you could not wish for, but directly the others appear she will at once become her old self, quarrelsome and sullen, and appearing to resent the others' demand on my time. I have sometimes shown a little extra affection towards her but she seems to take advantage of it; if on the other hand, I maintain a firmness towards her she is much easier to deal with, but a mother can't keep a permanent strictness towards a child even though it is tempered with kindness, and yet on the other hand children must be kept under control.

A psychologist can always find a sound reason for a child being difficult but my view is this, until a working class mother has better living conditions, decent houses, with all labour saving devices (and not forgetting the bathroom) which are now available only to the so-called upper classes, then, and then only, shall we find time to give our children more attention, make friends with them instead of only finding time to correct them. This will not stamp out difficult children altogether but it will lessen them considerably. An over-worked mother is not a good mother, either her lack of time and patience makes her over-lenient, or unduly strict, and harsh, even unjust at times in her treatment of children.

I wonder how many psychologists have had any real dealing with children. I mean raising a family by themselves (no nanny, no domestic help) and doing the housework, cooking, washing, ironing etc, and with no conveniences. Many thousands like myself are relying on paraffin oil for everything; there's no gas or electricity here; this is where children become not a pleasure, but a burden to be avoided if possible. Since this war a lot has been done to ensure a child growing up bodily strong and healthy. This is appreciated but a lot remains to be done, a child needs space and plenty of it, a room to play out of doors. Good houses are essential if we are to bring our children up to be good citizens of the future.

I have frequently had people say this to me; 'one advantage of rooms is, there's not so much work as in a house'. But I find my time fully occupied in keeping my rooms neat and tidy and every inch of space is used for something.

I think the biggest thrill I shall ever have in my life will be when I get a home of my own. I hope this will not be long as we are in urgent need of one, and I do think my children as future citizens deserve something more than they now have, and my landlady wants the extra rooms now her family has increased. In the meantime I shall go on as I have been doing, bringing the children up to the best of my ability. I find it no hardship to keep them bodily clean and healthy; as for moral cleanliness I must do my best under the circumstances as so many more are doing but I shall at least struggle for better conditions. I hope you will too. We owe it to our children.